Letters to my family.

Dear family,

I’m angry. I’ve been angry for some time. I’m filled with emotions and triggers and many things that may be uncomfortable and unpleasant.

Today, during a session with my therapist, there were many “aha!” moments. After describing what I would now call triggers (although, not realizing that they were at the time), I became overwhelmed with emotion. My therapist wanted me to explore these feelings and we quickly began to meditate. After a few moments while she asked me what I was feeling, I could feel my body and mind begin to suppress feelings and become defensive. She knew this when I answered that I was feeling empowered and ready to let go of any negative feelings I had toward the triggering event. She responded that I was beginning to go back in my head about it and wanted to me to try to explore the feelings brought up earlier when I was overcome with emotion. For a split second, I thought it was a little mean to be asked to dig deeper. Wasn’t I being tortured enough? But I could quickly see my defense mechanisms spring into action to help me cope with the pain I had been feeling.

So I allowed the feelings to sit there with me. Crying felt good. Some of the pain I couldn’t verbalize so I stuck with what I knew. Sadness, disappointment, feeling ignored.

How could these people live life knowing what’s gone on inside of our family? How can  everyone pretend like there’s no elephant in the room? Why isn’t any else angry like I am? How did I get shoved aside and so quickly?! How could you want to live in denial? Why would you want these people in your homes? What is sacred?!

Why am I stuck with this? Did everyone just have a party about expressing their feelings and I wasn’t invited? How is ANYONE “ok” with this?

So after I was able to calm down and breathe a little more, we discussed ways to think about this newfound situation differently. We knew we weren’t going to solve it right away, but that I had some work to do in this area. I made the point that I didn’t want to be 80 and still bound by these triggers or feelings of resentment.

Joy

 

Trump is an idiot.

I completely quit social media (except for this, I guess?) a few weeks ago along with my coffee-intake. I know that makes me sound like a hippy liberal – and guess what? I’m vegan too! Oh geez, I think if any would find this and read it, they would’ve stopped by now in which case I say, Fuck You.

So Trump-the-dump pulled out of the Paris Agreement. You have to be so far up your ass to do something like that. So much crammed bullshit into that tiny space of a cranium. I cannot believe that this is acceptable amongst his cronies. How the fuck?

Anyway, it makes me a little worried for our future, especially for my two sons. They are young. This will affect them the most. I want bright futures for them and all they have to look forward to is to reverse the harms of this dimwit.

So I say to every(one) reading this: Please go vegan. For the fucking sake of our planet. Go the fuck vegan. Please.

It will help your waistline, your wallet, and your empathy meter. Going vegan will lower your cholesterol and reduce your risk of heart disease. This is well documented – Google it. When you’re not buying meat, you lower your spending. Meat is expensive compared to other plant-based protein you could buy. Not that you need that much protein anyway. You live in the US? Yea, you don’t need that much. Lastly, when you soon realize you are killing animals to feed your face, you’ll feel better about the harm you AREN’T causing.

By the way, factory farming increases the amount of nitrogen introduced into our waterways and methane in our air. Excess nitrogen causes dead zones in our oceans and extra methane traps heat in our atmosphere. By reduce your meat intake, you’ve lowered these harmful excesses in our environment.

When we go vegan and choose greener alternatives, we demand jobs in these sectors. Trump is oozing out hatred for this future – one that we need in order to SURVIVE.

 

Brain is on overload.

What else is new with humankind? In this blog I hope to sort out some of these topics with the time I’m allowed (or budget for). I will have many grammatical errors and may also not make sense at times, but that’s the reason for the blog.

I wrote a lot when I was younger. Probably thinking I’d go mad one day and want to savor each moment. I’d write anything from emotions to what I was eating. This was before Facebook.

Now I recognize the need to sort out some of the madness that generates in my head. But also to recognize some of the patterns that I’ve also created as a coping mechanism. I go to therapy once in while to gain zome perspective, but I really think I need to just read more books. Note: not more blogs. Just more books. I’m beginning to realize that as each generation dies off, so does their wisdom and books that contain it. So maybe I need to start chipping away at ancient truths via audiobook or the good ol’ page.

I’m currently reading, “Your Money or Your Life,” and too much of it resonates that it hurts. I don’t even know where to begin. The book, however, shapes a nice little path for each of the problems of consumerism. I can see why veganism, atheism, and minimalism speak to me so much. I wonder how I can do more than what I’m currently doing to help future generations, including my sons.

I don’t intend for anyone to read this and even if someone who knew me did read this, I don’t care. I’m not recognizable to myself most days because of all that I have to suppress in order to be navigable.

This space will give me a way to sort out my different viewpoints and somehow make them as cohesive as possible.